Kim McNelis' 1999 Diary Page

Kim's (Not-So-Secret) Diary
(for 1999 :)

November 29, 1999: It's Getting Better All The Time

Any Beatles aficionados out there? Anyway, life is getting better... I've worked out some things w/my PBF, and it looks like we're going to do well at staying friends. I believe the Effexor is helping-- I feel sorta' strange about mentioning it, but want to let people know it's okay to go get drugs if that's gonna' help you past a rough time.

Work is going pretty well, and I've been traveling alot and getting more into the consulting thing. I have several things due here in December, so it's likely to be a busy, busy month. The ebb-and-flow of life continues, and that's a good thing. Peace!

November 8, 1999: Depression, being Dumped, reDemption

This entry probably should have come somewhere between the August and October entries, but it's relevant now still. There is indeed Yin and Yang (female/male, good/bad, ups/downs, etc.) in my life. The experience of my Very Good Friend (VGF; aka girlfriend) and I becoming Platonic Best Friends (PBF's) has been, well, hard on me to say the least. This decision was basically hers, though I was certainly getting there through the spiral we were headed into-- and found it hard to argue w/someone who couldn't date me anymore. However, at least she loves me (and vice-versa) and is willing to weather the storm I'm going through; and that has been a saving grace recently. That, and the SSRI anti-depressant "Effexor" is helping, I think (Paxil was no help to me when I tried it a year or so ago... different drugs for different folks, I guess :). So I'm struggling w/my own personal issues, and hoping to update my site in-between that...

The issue is, once again, my gender and sexuality. Not so much that my PBF (ex-VGF) isn't open-minded; but that it triggered stuff in her, and vice-versa. We found, despite being soul-mates, that we can't make a relationship work. At least not now; perhaps (probably) not ever. Does this really suck? Yes. However, it doesn't mean we can't be friends... but it did mean we had to work out what happened and how we go forward. At least I had to.

So I am, once again, left feeling like 99.999999% of the women in the world don't want to be with someone like me. Probably even fewer of the men do. When I consider the probability of meeting the .000001% or so of the humans on the planet that can clear the gender and sexuality hurdles in general, then I have to consider the likelihood that they want what I want in a relationship, are compatible, like me, think I'm attractive, etc. Then I have to consider that I've tasted the fruits of a soul-connected relationship, and the chances of finding that. Are you depressed yet? [If so, I'm sorry] I am. So while this site is generally upbeat about accepting myself and my TG-ism, it's sometimes as much positive reinforcement and an attempt at self-fulfilling prophecy as anything. There really is Yin and Yang, Pleasure and Pain, to life; my life is no exception.

October 13, 1999: Katching Up With Kimberley

Since I wrote last, I've been to Hawaii (SCUBA diving and hanging w/friends). I have "come out" to yet another person [Hi Mr. B!] My VGF (aka SO/partner) and I have become PBF's (Platonic Best Friends). I have (Kimberley has) played at the Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta [a page w/pictures is forthcoming :)], at a club in a nearby city, seeing a TS movie at the local GLBT film festival, visiting w/friends, etc. I've had the chance to catch up w/old friends, and make new ones. Life is generally hectic and good...

August 21, 1999: Klubs & Kimberley

Today was a day of Clubs, and for Kimberley to play. I went to a BBQ for PBA (the Bisexual Alliance club here where I live), and had a chance to chat w/many nice people and relax. Then I decided to head downtown, and dance (by myself) at a local gay/straight/whatever club (yes, I'm the whatever ;-). I had fun dancing... I needed to go shake my body to the music. I like "ballroom" dancing (like Tango) and Contra dancing too, but "rock and roll" dancing where I simply move my body to the music is a necessary activity now and then for me. Of course, any excuse to become Kimberley for awhile is good too...

June 20, 1999: GLBT Pride

Today I was to spend the day w/my family and my father,... and they canceled on me. That's fine; I'm seeing my family (who knows about Kimberley) this evening. It gave me the chance to go to the 1999 Gay, Lesbian, Bi, & Transgender Pride Parade and rally where I live. There was a great showing of TG folk, whom I marched with... and it was a nice chance to see old friends, and make some new ones.

June 18, 1999: On Anticipation, Anxiety, and the Anima

I'm filled with anticipation... and anxiety. I'm anxious about posting some of my "male mode" pic's in the entry below, and anticipating a variety of responses. I don't really know what to expect... it does seem a rather unusual thing to post one's male side on female (transgender) pages. Of course, I have my share of general anxiety too... on being TG, on work, on romantic (and other) relationships, and on what legacy I'm to leave in the world, in my "middle passage" of my life. Not that your average "mid-life crisis" would cause any anxiety, mind you... ;-)

Anyway, back to the female (Yin) side of me, my Anima, for a moment. I've been reading Under Saturn's Shadow, the wounding and healing of men by James Hollis. It's a very good book (once you get past the a-bit-too-heavy-for-my-tastes mythology or Jungian bent in the first section, and some thereafter :), one that I would recommend TG people read; particularly transvestites/crossdressers like myself. The chapter on "The Inner and Outer Woman" in particular I found enlightening (or at least reminded me concepts I'd learned before). Mr. Hollis gives 8 secrets men carry within, including "1. Men's lives are as much governed by restrictive role expectations as are the lives of women." I suspect this is one secret the TG community is all too aware of.

Anyway, lest I go into a long-winded discussion of the book and how enlightening it's been, let me switch subjects or perhaps summarize some: I think that being a CD, for me, is at least in part a literal expression of the inner feminine. My muse; my Anima. Not having permission in this society to really express a nurturing, emotional, or even playfully sexual self, I think that I found crossdressing as a literal expression of the woman within. While the beginnings of my dressing are mixed in w/other origins [email me if you really care to know the "bazillion" possible reasons I do this], it has mostly come to a simple expression of two things: My Anima (Inner Woman), and to some extent my sexuality. The latter I leave for another time, or for when I actually figure something out there (or never for these pages; I try to run a "G" or "PG" site here). Sooooo... that's enough for now. Thanks for reading.

June 15, 1999: On Yin and Yang

I recently did a little photo session w/a friend, showing my transition from male mode to female mode. I've decided to be brave enough to post a couple of pictures of the transition: A composite picture of me, yin and yang, and a sequence of 4 pic's animated together, going from man to woman. After all, I've chosen the yin-yang symbol to represent that there is a blend of feminine and masculine in all of us, and a need for balance between the two.

This Web site has been, up to this point, exclusively for my "female" side; at least as far as pictures go... My personality and philosophies are the same regardless (and, yes, I do have a "male" page also). This is mostly due to not wanting to be recognized as a TG person when in male mode... That could have an adverse effect on my career, some of my relationships, my personal security, etc. However, I feel I need to present some balance, and courage, around my gender. I'm bi-gendered (or multi-gendered), and if I am not to admit this and be proud of it (or at least okay with it), then who will? Of course, I also suspect that some of you would rather not know what I look like as a man. If not, don't follow the links below [don't do it if it hurts :)].

Anyway, I do look quite different between the two modes. Don't believe me? Well, [I used to have a picture up here] so that you may judge for yourself... [However, given how thorough web search is on images, I decided to take it down. Sorry.]

June 13, 1999: On Priorities and Pictures

Well, here it is Sunday and I'm actually home and have some time to update my Web page. I'm happy that I've received permission from friends at Esprit to post their pic's (it's very gracious, and courageous, of them). I will try to update my pages here and there, and want to do a major overhaul of the site, but I honestly have other priorities in the short term. For the few of you who actually use my Web site to know what's going on about me, I apologize. The literal expression of Kimberley is suffering from a lack of time, interest... So I hope the meager update I did today is enough for those interested, and I'll see what I can do to update things more often than every 6 months or so...

On a different note, I'm fine... I'm enjoying my new job consulting (it's mostly teaching at this point, but I found I like to teach and generally am good at it). I travel a lot (50% or more of the time), and that means I have less time at home to do lots of things. My relationship w/my VGF has had the highest highs, and the lowest lows, as of late. It feels like we're careening out of control, but maybe that's how it always feels on the roller coaster of life. I don't want off yet... life would be way too boring w/out a few challenges!

June 05, 1999: On Resurfacing (and Diving Again ;-)

Wow. How do I sum up 7 or 8 months of my life in one short, hopefully semi-lucent way? One interesting "coincidence" is that updating my pages stopped about the same time I met my current Very Good Friend (VGF). I can't say she's my girlfriend, as it's never been that kind of thing (well, at least not formally). Between her coming into my life, and me switching jobs, that pretty much consumed my available time and energy. I didn't really do anything with being Kimberley (except in my heart and soul :) except for Halloween, and a meeting between my VGF and Kimberley in January.

My new job keeps me on the road quite a bit, and since my VGF is not in the same town, I travel to see her when I can (less so now, but that's another story). I've tried to keep in touch w/friends via email, but basically work and my VGF (and my own personal growth) has become my focus for the last many months. Esprit 1999 was my chance to play as Kimberley for a (short) while, and connect w/friends I hadn't seen in too (too) long.

So that's a very brief update on what's up with me. I have much to do this weekend before hitting the road again, and so-- after taking my brief breath at the surface-- must dive down again into the shadowy depths of the Web. I will make an effort to update this page more often... after all, Kimberley is my muse and my "anima" (female within; a Jungian reference) in a way, and even though I've been working very hard to integrate my soul into one physical package and presentation, I don't wish to deny my creativity.

Anyway, thanks for listening to my update, and I wish you the best!

p.s.-- I'm now an Advanced Certified SCUBA diver, and can "go deep..."

More Diary Left...

Please see my Diary for 1998 for more diary entries.