Kim McNelis' Diary Page for 1998

Kim's (Not-So-Secret) Diary
(for 1998 and prior :)

October 18, 1998: On Matthew Shepard and being TG

I have been crying, off and on, for days now. I am very saddened by Matthew's death, and angered by (and, yes, a bit scared of) the hateful motivation his attackers had in the first place. For some reason, Matthew's story has struck home, more so than other heinous acts of hate (of which there should be none), and has catalyzed me to take action. Please see my Memorial to Matthew Shepard page for more of my thoughts, and information on how you can get involved.

Today I will attend a memorial in Portland, Oregon, for Matthew Shepard. I will attend in "masculine mode;" risking recognition by those who know only my masculine or "male" side; which is how I present myself at work and a majority of my life in general (I have walked past those I know in feminine mode without being recognized; this provides some "safety" from recognition and prejudice). I will attend knowing there is a (slight) risk of physical harm to me if I do. I will attend in "masculine mode" NOT because I'm afraid to be transgendered in public, nor because I am ashamed of being transgendered; I am neither afraid nor ashamed of my transgenderism! I will be there in "masculine mode" to make the strongest statement I can that I don't care if people perceive I'm gay, or whatever. I will NOT let fear stand in the way of my integrity and my working towards social change!

I have had support from many people in this emotional time, and I want to thank my parents and my friends-- particularly my friends Lori and Paula-- for their wisdom, information, and compassion. Matthew's mother said "Go home, give your kids a hug and don't let a day go by without telling them you love them." Every conversation or visit I have with my parents I tell them that I love them, and they tell me the same. I am very, very thankful for the love of my parents-- and the love of the friends that I have in my life.

October 15, 1998: A Quick Update (Out Again... & SCUBA... Again)

Sigh... Life has been hectic. In fact... Life's a beach, and then you (SCUBA) dive! I've been really busy with Hawaii, SCUBA, friends, work, friends, and, of course, SCUBA. At some point this will all make it to my pictures, out-n-about, diary, etc. pages. However, for those of you dying for news (or even simply a change to this page ;-), I've collected a random smattering of stuff here!

August 22, 1998: Out Again... & SCUBA

Well, I have once again shared my little secret with a friend [Yo' Mr. R!] He asked me what made me share the secret w/him... and it was because, based on our conversations this weekend, I could trust him. That, and I lost all sanity for a second [Just kidding! ;-)] It really is a generally liberating thing to have people in my life know about this; people that are friends, people that I'd like to know about all of who I am, and feel like I can share a deeper friendship with. Anyway, as I'd suspected/hoped, my friend was totally cool with the idea of me crossdressing (as much as we got into it), and he has the URL to these pages to learn more... :)

On another note, I'm happy to announce I'm now a certified SCUBA diver, and intend to use my newfound skills in Hawaii... :)

August 8-11, 1998: Softball, and Adopted Family

Another very busy weekend for this gal. I headed up to Seattle to play softball for the NorthWest Gender Alliance Switch Hitters team; against the Emerald City team. We played a very close game, lost by one run, and had a wonderful time! Afterwards we all went out for food and friendly chat...

I also spent some time with my adopted 'Auntie' Maria; who was a "Little Sister" of mine for Esprit 98. She decided (and I agreed) that she is more like my Aunt than my little sister. I had a really wonderful time visiting w/Maria and her partner (wife)! They are incredibly kind, funny, generous people. Maria and I sat outside in the sun, talking all day about anything under the sun and relaxing. I couldn't have asked for a nicer time, or nicer hosts, than my adopted Aunt.

I've also adopted a big sister... with her consent, of course. I told her not to worry, I won't carry it too far or anything (after all, it's too late for me to get her hand-me-down training bra's ;-). I let her know the big sister feeling was simply wanting to acknowledge my love and respect for her-- her advanced wisdom and maturity (in the positive sense of the word) are what make me think of her as a big sister I can look up to and share things with. Besides, I think it'll be fun to have a big sister. :)

July 25-27, 1998: Friends, Activism, Adopted Family, & SCUBA

What a busy weekend! I visited a new friend in the hospital... He is an FTM TS, and was having the first stage of SRS surgeries [Hi Mr. T! :)] He's recovering well, and very happy to be on this path. It can be a scary thing, changing one's body to match one's gender... scary and liberating at the same time! I also met a couple of other TS' there at the hospital (patients of Dr. Meltzer's), and they were both wonderful to talk to! Almost everyone I've met, or know about, in the TG community have been great people...

I also met this weekend w/the director of It's Time, Oregon!, Lori Buckwalter... whom I'm happy to call my associate and my friend. In fact, Lori and her family have been wonderful to me... I feel like I've been adopted into their family, and have welcomed their company at many recent occasions.

I'm starting SCUBA lessons soon! Woohoo; breathing underwater, here I come! :)

July 12, 1998: The love of my parents; and a Goodbye.

Today, for the second time ever, I visited my parents while crossdressed [Hi Mom and Dad! :)]. We had a wonderful, wandering, chat. My parents are incredibly loving, warm, open-minded people. I feel truly blessed both that I was raised by them, and that we share our love for each other often. I can look back across my life and know that my parents have often let me know they love me, and that I have let them know I love them. Even with that open and professed love, it still took me many (at least 20) years to "come out" to them. Not because I was afraid they wouldn't accept me, but because I didn't want to burden them with the knowledge of my being TG unless it was essential. Well, around November of 1996 it had become essential; being TG is such a fundamental part of me that I couldn't share a deep, personal, loving friendship with my parents unless they knew. So I told them, and I feel very fortunate to have parents who love me for all of who I am, and I am so happy to have them in my life.

Today I also joined the Portland TG community in bidding goodbye to JoAnna McNamara, who died recently. While I didn't know JoAnna personally, her immense positive impact on our local, and national, communities has become clear to me. After hearing those who knew her well share their feelings and memories, I am left both with an understanding of the great ways in which JoAnna contributed to society in general and to the TG community, and a strong sense that she lives on in those that she touched. I feel fortunate to know those who knew JoAnna, to benefit from her work, and to be a part of a community she helped enrich. I also believe her work can live on with, and be expanded by, those of us who are still living.

July 9, 1998: Another friend sees Kimberley for the first time in person.

A good friend of mine [Hi Ms. B!] saw me crossdressed for the first time tonight... on a spur-of-the-moment whim, no less. I called her on my way home, and she graciously agreed to me dropping by. I had, as usual, a really nice time. She treated me w/respect, and handled the surpise with good graces... not to mention treating me basically the same as if I wasn't crossdressed. This was nice; after all, I'm the same person-- the same friend-- regardless of how I'm dressed. I have the coolest friends... In fact, this particular visit prompted me to write a short little poem of thanks to this friend, and to all my friends that have shown their friendship-- and maturity-- by continuing to be my friend after I've "come out" to them...

    Thanks to a Friend
    --------------------
    This is a short
        Thanks to a friend
    It's of the sort
        Too quick to end
    For how can poems
        Short ones no less
    Speak the volumes
        I wish to profess
    So I'll simply say
        Thanks be to thee
    Who brighten my day
        Accepting me for me

June 21, 1998: A Dear Friend sees Kimberley for the first time in person; Lilith Fair; & Gay Pride

A long-term friend [Hi, MM!! :)] of mine saw me crossdressed for the first time today. She had seen pictures, but not the "Live and in person!" me. She commented that I looked really good (better than her; I had to disagree). She saw me at Lilith Fair, which we both happened to be attending on the same day (and yes I'd warned her I'd be in "girl mode." :). Her acceptance of me is a great, true honor... I am, in fact, honored by my friends whom I've "come out" to, as they have both shown their deep friendship (love) for me, and their maturity in handling my TransGenderism with an open mind and heart.

I had a wonderful time at Lilith Fair! This was my second one; I had gone last year too. I had an incredible seat... 9th row. Anyway, the artists were awesome, the Gorge Amphitheatre is beautiful, and I felt very comfortable being in "girl mode" there. It made the 5-hour drive very worthwhile... (It was also the first time I've driven so fast while "en femme," and I'm glad I didn't have to explain to anyone why I was doing 80 miles per hour, while dressed the way I was. :)

Today was also my first-ever Gay Pride event. Not only did I watch, but I decided to march with other TransGendered people. I am very proud to be a part of the Gay Pride event, and to show my solidarity with the communities I belong to. I'm not gay, but am a little bit bi. So I guess in the "Gay, Lesbian, Bi, & TransGendered" Pride I qualify for two of the four... :)

June 13, 1998: My Diary page is born.

Why post a sort of personal diary for all to see? Well, out of necessity, and for clarity, really. My "What's New" section on the main page was simply getting too dang lengthy with everything going on, and was turning into a diary anyway. Hmmnnn... I guess I can't resist talking about me and what's going on in my life. Thus a Diary is born. In fact, I've retroactively added a few key entries before this date, and added "A Brief History of Kimberley Ann McNelis" below to sum up the first 34 years or so...

May 19, 1998: I'm off to the Esprit '98 conference.

The conference runs from May 20-24! Yahoo! My first-ever TG convention. I'm really looking forward to it... (and I've been assigned two "Little Sisters" in the Big/Little Sis program, and I'm looking forward to meeting them :). I'll give a report when I get back [I hope... if work doesn't ship me off somewhere soon after ;-)]

May 16, 1998: I'm out yet again; to some newfound friends.

Well, the people who know about this grow... In this case, some wonderful (and rather cool) people I met while travelling recently [Yes, H&P, this means you! :)] They were both totally cool about it... as I thought they'd be. Open minds and good hearts usually are. I look forward to getting to know H&P a whole lot better...

May 4, 1998: I'm out to some longtime friends.

Not being one to settle for the status quo (or have tranquility or sanity in my life, I guess

), I've "come out" to yet another set of friends... (Aloha, my friends!!). They were truly understanding and cool about it... they like me for who I am. I feel truly blessed to have such great people in my life. I certainly hope that I may be as accepting of diversity as my friends are of me! [Certainly it helps that these friends have been with me a long time, but I'm finding that there are quite a few open-minded, and/or level-headed, people in the world.]

April 19, 1998: I've come out to another friend.

I've "come out" to another friend of mine (Hi Ms. M!!)... she was totally cool, totally wonderful about it. Then I suspected she would be... she's a wonderful person. :) [She's also only the second person that I work with that I've ever told about Kimberley... I've tended to be very careful of exposing this side of me at work...]

April 18, 1998: Kimberley Anne McNelis is "officially" introduced to the world.

I've decided I needed a last name up here... So please welcome my full name to the World: Kimberley Anne McNelis.

April 12, 1998: My girlfriend and I break up.

Well, into each life a little (or a lot of) rain must fall. My girlfriend and I have broken up. It had nothing really to do w/my crossdressing... she was the most accepting partner I've ever had about my dressing. I'm thankful to her for that and many other ways she is wonderful! There are women (and men) out there who will accept TransGenderism. For those of you who get discouraged over the prospect of ever finding a soulmate (as I used to), remember it's possible. Anyway, my "ex" and I are doing our best to be friends still... and I wish her the best in life!

A Brief History of Kimberley Anne McNelis:

Well, I was born in many moons ago in Washington state, USA. I've been living since then... any questions? ;-) [Okay, so it's really kinda' brief until I get time to add an actual history of sorts...]