Diary Entries for 2005
October 18, 2005: A What's New Entry
I have a new diary entry (or two). I also have some new pictures on my wedding pictures page. Here's a sample:
So I'm up late, on this full moon... I may have managed to get a picture taken of myself that I didn't want (imagine that; an MTF cross-dresser that doesn't want her picture taken! Shocking!! ;-). I was taking the garbage out, and there was a distinct flash that was very much like a camera flash. Granted, it's close to Halloween and I might have that excuse for being in a wig, breast forms, and high-heeled boots. It's also possible for me to simply not care about whatever the neighbor that might have taken a picture will do...
Then again, there's the possibility that I've somehow violated the neighbors' holy sense of righteousness and created a problem for myself. At least my life partner knows of my cross-dressing, and it won't be a problem for her... (she joked that she'd comment that I don't usually wear this hair out in public, given how much of a mess it is and what I usually wear it for... ;-).
Anyway, here's a poem I wrote to my life partner (wife) from this experience; written from thin air in about 20-30 minutes, and it probably shows it:
I don't know why... ---------------------------------- I don't know why I push the limit I'm barely evading being tagged it I don't know why I rail at the norms Wearing my (badge of) [breast] forms I don't know why I can't let go When this feeling begins to flow I don't know why I have this compulsion I can't contain my anxious emotions I don't know why I'm trapped in my house Roaring like a lion, and meek as a mouse I don't know why I must hide My feelings & who I am inside I don't know why I live in a time cross-dressing is considered a crime I don't know why I try hard to rhyme to say cross-dressing could be sublime I only know that I risk my sanity to sate my cross-dressing vanity I might risk my partnership with you by being to mine own self true If our neighbors or family or friends discover my cross-dressing Our relationship could be at an end or perhaps it's in disguise a blessing I don't know what the future brings I don't know what I will do I don't know why I risk shared rings I do know that I love you
So the nice thing is that this possible picture of me in all likelihood wouldn't end my marriage. After all, my wife knows, and she's the one that will choose to remain married to me or not [though there are issues w/some important people in our lives not knowing about me]... So why is it that the poem leaves the impression of dire consequences, or much hand-wringing? I guess it's a bit of the fear of the unknown (and the drama queen in me ;-) that wonders what a picture of me dressed [without makeup on; gasp! ;-)] in someone's hands-- someone that I didn't give permission to photograph me-- would do to my life.
[Dramatic pause, as Kimberley thinks... the wheels grind... smoke begins to pour out of her head...]
In thinking more about it... I don't really want to find out what will happen, and hope that I'm wrong about the picture. However... if I'm correct, I will roll with whatever changes life brings me. After all, I may dress differently than most people, and that doesn't by itself make me a bad person. I generally like who I am... I am a loved, successful, tax-paying, law-abiding (unless you count exceeding the speed limit now and then ;-) citizen of the U.S.A. and I have a constitutional right to free speech and some at least limited right to free expression. [Of course, Bush-packing the court may change that, but lets not get into the d***s in power at the moment...]
[Okay, it's time I finally ranted on the bathroom issue...] If live sex acts in private are allowed in this state [at the time I write this], then why is it that if I go into a women's rest room and into a private stall, then wash my hands and leave I am breaking the law? Even if live sex acts weren't legal, strip clubs are. Even if they weren't, showing bare butts and naked bodies is legal in an R-rated movie (which you don't have to legally be an adult to see). Even if that wasn't legal, preaching hate from a pulpit is. So if that's legal, why is it not legal to take some action that is no worse than simply looking different than other people as I try to go to the bathroom?
[A brief tangent on looking different] Isn't it a form of racism to be singled out for how you look? How you're different than others? The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary and Dictionary.com defines racism in part as "A class or kind of people unified by community of interests, habits, or characteristics" and "Humans considered as a group" respectively. The dictionary.com site also notes "...many cultural anthropologists now consider race to be more a social or mental construct than an objective biological fact." So... Being TransGendered can be considered as being a part of a unique race, and subject to racism, at least as far as I'm concerned... [Okay, back to the bathroom issue...]
If anything, it should be men concerned about women coming into their restroom, as men are exposed while standing at a urinal... and yet fathers can bring their young girls into a mens room if needed. Why can't a father go into a women's restroom and put his little girl in a stall? Are women in the restroom getting naked? No! That would be against the law (for one thing; for another... there's no reason to... In fact, most restrooms are so icky that I want as little as possible exposed when I go ;-). Anyway, if I go into a women's restroom it is to use the restroom. Not to hang out and stare. Not to do anything worse than staring. It is to go to the restroom. If I could go into a men's room w/out being afraid of being beat up, then I certainly might... and if I wasn't trying to pass as a woman, I believe I would.
[So, now tangentializing about dressing to pass as a woman vs. in women's clothing...] If I thought I wouldn't get beat up, I might even dress in women's clothing w/out the wig, breast forms, or other methods I try to "pass" as female to stay safe (and for the theatrical challenge of it all)... [and, yes, to satiate some inner woman in me that likes to be expressed literally. Perhaps also for other less 'wholesome' reasons, but I'm not going to guess at that here, now...]. I will admit that I'm not sure I'd like to have everyone I know see me in a nice skirt-suit w/out trying to look like a woman, but I actually have walked down the street (in Seattle) with my bald head and goatee and in a pretty purple outfit. I got some very direct stares, and a lot of indirect flack... as reported to me by the women [attending the Queering Femininity conference w/me] walking 10 feet behind me... but that's another story.
Soooo... back to that possible picture of me. I have all kinds of ways to respond. Not the least of which... it is near Halloween... so I have a built-in excuse. :)
Thanks for once again perusing my diary, all of about 3.5% of you that visit my site... (you're in the select few if you've gotten here ;-). Do me a favor... if you've read this, please Please send me a (respectful) email. Thanks!
Hi! So it's been almost 6 months since writing in my online journal. Let's see... in that time I've gotten married (yay!), in the white dress (yay!), to a wonderful woman (yay!). I've been cross-dressed in Vegas and LA (West Hollywood, Hollywood, and Anaheim). I've been extremely super-duper-busy ("...more than most folks even" ;-).
I am blessed to have my partner in my life. She is a wonderful woman. She puts up with my grumpiness, my mood swings, my being overwhelmed. I am sure I do bring positive things too... (otherwise, she wouldn't be w/me ;-). Anyway, married life is treating me well... it is taking some getting used to though. After around 12 years living on my own, it's an adjustment to share my house and my life w/someone else in such a major way.
The really weird thing is that we hadn't fought nor had any really bad times until our honeymoon after our wedding in Vegas. Then we had some really rough hours and days. I think it was mostly me, hoping for more than was realistic from the world (and from my partner) about me being transgendered. Being a cross-dresser.
As a tangent: National Coming Out Day was the 11th. The theme was 'talk about it.' There's an annoying interactive guide they have. Why annoying? Because it's all about Transsexuals, and nothing about transvestites/cross-dressers. Yes, transvestite is a somewhat outdated (and often considered derogatory) term, but it does literally mean the same thing as cross-dresser. Anyway, even the answer to the question "what's the difference between a transvestite and transsexual?" simply says transvestite is sometimes a perjorative term and then goes on to explain what a transsexual is. It says nothing about the difference between a transvestite (cross-dresser) and transsexual, which was the original question! This really annoys me... as a cross-dresser, I'm apparently invisible or inconsequential to the HRC.
As a cross-dresser I also sometimes feel marginalized by the trans movement. The transgender movement seems to be about "pick one or the other." There's not a lot of room for gender-queer in this world; not even in the transgender community. Case in point would be Esprit, that wonderful convention I went to for 7 years, but strictly forbids me doing any gender queer thing like showing up in a dress w/my bald head and no makeup. Like the fact that the HRC doesn't tend to have a lot for cross-dressers. Okay, I'm done w/my rant...
On another tangent: A person asked today to be removed from one of my old guestbooks because "It was some kind of bad joke someone played on me." I removed the entry at his request. I'm not sure how I feel about his statement, though. On one hand, the entry said he was bi, and preferred TG folk... and if he isn't either of these things, then I can see how he would consider it a bad joke if someone else said it. After all, I'm certainly aware of what's it's like to feel like people don't understand who or what I am. On the other hand, it could imply that being bi or liking transgender people is a "bad joke." I have a problem with this; I don't consider either a bad thing nor a joke. I consider being bi (or gay, or lesbian) and/or transgender a fine thing. If we considered people individually for who and what they are, we'd be better off I think.
After all, there are wonderful people and jerks in almost every group I can think of. Republicans and Democrats. Queers and Straights. Men and Women. Adults and Children. You get the idea... and, yes, I do know some wonderful Straight Adult Repulican Men... (at least I think I do. One became a Straight Adult Republican Woman, but that's another story ;-). I also know of jerks in the same category... [which I suspect includes most of the Republicans controlling the White House and even the House. Case in point: The legal trouble that Mr. Frist and others are in...]
Okay, anyway, it's 1:30 am and my late-night ramblings must come to an end...
There I was, innocently searching for screen savers for my phone, and up pops the Mona Lisa (and the Vitruvian Man). Now, I remember hearing that the Mona Lisa was Da Vinci playing a bit, and that the picture is actually of him. So I found it interesting that a website (AIWAZ.net) said this about the Rebis (the alchemical hermaphroditic balance) of the Mona Lisa that said this:
This painting seems to represent a compound - hieroglyphic image in alchemistic manner, that is none else but hermaphroditic Leonardo himself. Another surprise is concealed in the title of the painting, which is a rebus: MONA LISA = SOL + ANIMA. This title is a rebis of fundamental alchemical antimony of Sun (Sol) and Moon (Anima, soul), two basic symbols for opposing forces that are united in alchemic genderless hermaphrodite.
So, for those of you that are intersexed, please forgive the use of hermaphrodite. Here it means the tradition-laden name of the God(dess) that is both male and female, a balance of yin and yang. What a wonderful thing to be seen as one of the gods...
While I'm on the tangent of Hermaprhodite, I was so pleased to see a statue of Hermaphrodite in the Louvre in Paris (France). Some day I'll find the picture and scan it in. Until then, please do believe there is one in the Louvre. :)
So, anyway, the other meaning of Anima is the female spirit w/in the male. So I find it interesting that the Mona Lisa can be an anagram of the Sun and Moon.
I was musing on life w/a friend who's struggling at leaving where she's lived for many years to move to another job, state, and sunshine... So I mused on living life in the moment... Carpe diem! Live life in the moment, instead of waiting for another place or time for life to start. Waiting for your prince to come, waiting for life to give you a break, waiting to find happiness in someone else... all that simply means that you're not living yet... not dead, mind you, and not quite living... or at least not living life to its potential.
I try to remind myself of this lesson, and I certainly still struggle with it. Particularly as I face a messy house that must prepare for an SO, a messy life that must do the same, my "stuff" around being Trans that still pushes me around a little, and so on. I have no idea what I'd do if my job/company goes away, and yet that is still a very real possibility. So I have my own stuff to deal with, and must still certainly remind myself to Carpe Diem! [Give us this day, our daily fish... ;-)]
So I have asked my mother and father if they will walk me down the aisle when I get married. My wedding will be, in some very important ways, a traditional wedding... so I do want my dad to walk me. In addition, the wedding will be, in some other very important ways, a non-traditional wedding (or committment ceremony :), and having my mom walk me down the aisle also seems important to me.
Sooo... I asked my mom and dad. They said yes. Woohoo! :) I am honored that my parents will be with me at this wedding, helping me fulfill my dreams, and that they love me enough to be there, and participate. I love them both very much!
Now, while it may look a little like we needed to have one of them on each arm to prop me up (because I was out drinking or something ;-), perhaps that's not a bad idea... in case I faint from excitement or something! After all, I finally get to be the "Princess for a day" and wear the white dress... something most every girl (and a few boys who sometimes look like girls ;-) dreams of.
In any case, while it is traditional to have the father of the bride walk the bride down the aisle, having my mom walk me down the aisle as well sounds both non-traditional and nice. There are certainly non-traditional elements to this wedding, as I mentioned. I guess I should elaborate a little on the non-traditional comment I was trying to make... so here's some factoids about my ceremony running through my brain (and I'm one to make lists, so here goes):
So that's some thoughts on my wedding day, the ceremony, and on having my mom and dad walk me down the aisle. Perhaps, though, to sum up the subject of how unusual it will look to have both my mom and dad walk me down the aisle,... no more unusual than a man dressed as woman, in a bridal gown and wanting for the world to look like and be a woman, standing next to his lawfully-wedded wife who will be very much looking like the beautiful woman that she is.
I'm a little sad that I probably won't be able to share with you the pictures of My FiancÚ and I and my family, as there are still those that I/we do not want to find out about my transgendered-ness. It is the unfortunate reality of the world that there are those who would either use it for their own selfish gain, or simply react poorly and cause everyone involved pain. Perhaps someday we, as a society, will be in a place that accepts those who are different that are not being hurtful to others.
Speaking of sharing things with you... I didn't receive any emails from people when I asked to have you send me an email to let me know you read these. So I must therefore assume very few people read these diaries (My FiancÚ is one of them :). That's okay; I'll still write them mostly for me, and in some ways to me... and if you (who is not me) gain benefit from them, then that is good.
Hi! So glad you joined me again in my diary. Let's see if I can summarize the last 2.5 to 3 months... My FiancÚ and I continue to do well (even with some heart-to-heart talks and some crying; every relationship has misunderstandings, pain from the past to work through, or even occasionally pig-headed partners like me to deal with ;-). We are having custom rings made, and I think they're going to be beautiful. We are planning two weddings for this year, and plans are slowly progressing for them. I've finally gotten some time off of the road, so it's been nice to actually be home for the holidays. So, in other words,... the usual stuff. Life continues on, and it's generally very good. :)
Hey... do me a favor, okay? If you actually read these diary entries... drop me an email and let me know you actually do read them. "Why" you ask? It's a curiousity thing... I mean, I mostly write these things for myself, and yet I'm aware that someone in the Transgender/Transsexual/Transvestite (T) community (or in the broader wide world) might actually read them, and it might help give a perspective of what a T person is like...
For me, first and foremost, being a T person is being a person. Being T doesn't dominate (anymore ;-) who I am, it's part of who I am. Gender is an important and integral part of who we are, to be sure,... and yet it's simply an aspect of who we are. Also, secondarily, I hope that you (dear reader) also see that a T person has the ability to be happy (and sad), and the host of other things that a person may do.
Well, I got on one of those philosophizing rants again... so I'll stop here. Do me a favor... if what you read got you thinking, please send me a (respectful) email. I can't guarantee I'll get back to you right away (work is about to get busy again for a little while ;-), and I will read your email.
The following are the "What's New" entries from my main page; I've decided to keep them here as a historical time capsule of sorts...
Please see my Diary for 2004 for more diary entries.
This page last updated on 16 April, 2006.
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