Welcome to my secret (okay, not-so-secret ;-) diary for 2001...
It's been almost 5 years since I started a Web counter on my site, and each year has seen about 20,000 visits. That's a lot of people... (though certainly I can count myself lucky in having friends and others repeat their visit to my site :). I sometimes think about all of you out there, who come to stop by this home I have on the Web, and am thankful that the effort I put into the site draws interest. It's funny, though; this site gets more attention than the guy site does, from me and from those who stop by. Why is it that something I physically manifest so little (maybe 5% of the time overall) consumes so much of my Web presence, and perhaps even my psyche? [The answers are numerous, of course... and I won't bore you w/them here ;-)]
I'm also contemplating life in all its complexities. What shall I do ("when I grow up")? What career or lifestyle will make me happiest? What is the form of a love relationship (partnership) that will make me happy, and is there someone out there for me, and me for them? What is (are?) my talent, my gift, and how do I use that to make my life, and other's lives, better? Don't get me wrong; overall I'm the happiest I've been in a looooooong time. It's simply that I've been in this process of pushing myself to grow and change, and am perhaps reaching a point on "Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs" where I am contemplating these questions. I guess I've been there/here for awhile... making discoveries or at least headway sometimes seems to be a challenge. I enjoy my job (career), and yet I think it's also something that I can't-- or don't want to-- do long-term. It's something worthwhile, and yet seems too taxing to truly be something I love.
Do you ask yourself these questions? If not, why not? If so, how are you finding answers? It seems to me that the point of life (if not its meaning) is to live to the fullest possible; to learn and teach, love and be loved. I guess by that admittedly very general definition, I'm living life the way it is "meant" to be lived. I feel very thankful (and, yes, a bit proud I guess) that I am able to love and be loved, to learn and to teach... to be striving to live my life to the fullest I can.
I think the issue, though, is that I'm restless; it seems there is something more that I can (and "should") be doing w/my life. There is some talent I can use more effectively, some experience I can feel more deeply. Perhaps I am in need of balancing out the "3-legged stool" of my existence: Mind, Body, Spirit. I am very much in my mind, which is regularly exercised and overall very healthy. My body needs attention; I need to lose 10-20 pounds (and exercise) to be healthy and look good again. My spirit... I'm not sure where I'm at. I think my spirit in some ways is very developed, and in other ways utterly ignored. My spiritual life receives the least of my time and attention.
Spirituality can take sooooo many forms. Even religion, which seems to me to be the formalized practice of spirituality, runs anywhere from Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, agnosticism... to New-Age blend. How does one pick a religion that matches a spirituality, and how does one pick a spirituality that matches their spirit? I think that all too many times we slap a label on people; their religious beliefs included. I think all too many times we also misunderstand (or at least don't truly or deeply seek to understand) others' religious beliefs. I have seen two of my Christian friends argue that the other was going to hell because they didn't believe the exact same things. That doesn't make sense to me. I've seen people do things on "faith" that others tell them to; listening to the flawed motivations and reasoning of a human instead of to a loving heart and path. What is a spiritual way forward that doesn't succumb to the negative sides of religion?
So, you see, I'm contemplating life. It seems to raise more questions than answers for me, and yet it is also good to do so. I'm reminded of a quote I heard, which goes something like "we cannot live better than in seeking to become better" or something like that [From a Greek Philosopher]. Another quote along those lines: "I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. (Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.)" and this one: "The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. (Charles Du Bos)". There are plenty of quotes on life and its meaning (if you're interested in more quotes, please see my Quotes Page ), and yet I think the main thing is to find one's own definition of life's meaning, and go live it!
The last 24 hours have been tumultuous. Well, crappy really. My girlfriend broke up w/me (to go back to the ex-boyfriend, who's suddenly turned over a new leaf), I found that someone's stolen my identity and has opened cards in my name, and I suddenly had unexpected house repairs. Trouble comes in 3's; have you ever noticed that?
Anyway, the last month had been really, really great. I'd met this wonderful woman, and we were having a great time. I was talking about her, and with her, a lot. We fit really well together ("like peas and carrots" ;-), and were both amazed how quickly we felt strongly about each other. One of those rare soul connections; or at least great personality fits. However, I'm the one coming in late to the scene. She'd spent 1.5 years trying to get this guy to open up to her, and he wouldn't. She gave up on him, and was having a great time w/me. Then he's suddenly all reformed, and she has to go be sure about it. Timing. Timing is everything. I hope for her sake that whatever happens is good for her.
Identity theft is an awful thing. If you've had someone steal your identity, and you're a US citizen, you probably should go to The FTC's ID Theft Site or to the www.ftc.gov site and do what they suggest. Immediately. Some people have no morals, no soul. They are evil scum in my book. Oh, another tip... don't use your credit card w/a taxi driver.
Anyway, since this is primarily a site about my girl side, I guess I should give some news there. The woman I mentioned (we'll call her Ms. V ;-) was wonderful around my dressing. She went for "girls night out" w/me and a friend last week and had a great time and was very supportive of me. I've been out a few other times since my last entry, I think... I have had fun, as usual, being en femme. :)
Wow. It's been 6 months since I last wrote in here! So much has happened! In summary, though, here's where I'm at:
So, in no particular order, here's more detail on all that (on my life in the last 6 months or so):
I still travel quite a bit, and yet that's slowing down now that we've hired an additional person for our team (we've grown by 50%! ;-). I actually had the last two weeks at home, and it was very nice... I hardly knew what to do with myself. ;-) Anyway, I'm hoping this means the travel will ease off consistently for awhile; particularly during the summer when things tend to be a little slow. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy traveling... simply not all the time. Even at the height of traveling, I can be (and usually am) home on the weekends. Even so, I will sometimes choose to be gone on a weekend so I can play "Banzai Tourist" (as I will be doing in a couple of weekends ;-), and yet I also like being around my friends, family, and having a chance to date some of the people I'm meeting from personal ads and get to know them better...
Speaking of which, I've met some really nice/wonderful people through online personal ads. More people that I write to and then reply, vs. write me. I think women are beset by agressive men online, and that's not me :). I've decided to do the online personals, though, as I simply don't have time to meet people in more traditional ways... That, and I would like to have a partner in my life; someone to help me grow, and whom I can help grow. That "base camp" for exploring the mountain of self-growth, as The Road Less Traveled puts it. I do, perhaps, need to be clearer about what having a partner means for me, or why I am searching relatively actively for a partner (though as I sorta' said, traveling all the time pretty much rules out classes, social clubs, events like First Thursday, and other areas where I might meet people ;-). That's another subject, though...
You know, as a random tangent (I'm known to do those ;-), I was thinking about what a soul-connection is, or that "spark" of chemistry that tells you "this is the one!" I struggle w/that a little. As I may have put in my diary, I thought I'd met my soulmate a couple of girlfriends ago. I had that spark of attraction, and yet also the deep connection of friendship, and feeling like I knew this person from before-- or at least we could comfortably talk for hours. That relationship didn't last; it has stayed a wonderful friendship, and yet it is no longer a romantic relationship or partnership. So my "hopeless romantic" side is a little confused about what, exactly, a soulmate connection is; what that chemistry means. After all, chemistry or physical (even emotional) attraction can be strong initially, and then fade. I've heard a quote of "The flame that burns twice as bright, burns half as long." What is it that makes that spark of chemistry that indicates not only a romantic, passionate attraction, yet also makes for a deep, soul-level connection that will nurture a lasting relationship? Trusting the initial attraction to someone seems a bit dubious for that, at least in my experience. What do you think? :)
Anyway, on several of the dating sites I'm on I've been upfront about my crossdressing (CD'ing); placing pictures of me dressed (en femme) up there, yet in the men-seeking-women category. I don't need my partner to participate in my dressing at all, and yet it is an important enough "issue" for most people/women that they need to know if they are to date me. This is tough for me, because it's not all of who I am;... I don't want to "lead" with being a CD, and yet I have this honesty/integrity gene that makes me want to tell people early; particularly so that they don't feel betrayed, or worry about what else there might be that I haven't said. I also place a "male" ad on most sites, and have some sites that only have a male ad. Either way, I will tell every person that I date at some point, and sooner rather than later.
I dress sometimes still, and it feels like my dressing is "here to stay;" at least for the forseeable future. Though I did go to the annual "Esprit" transgender convention in May in "boy mode." I had a great time dancing w/all the ladies, and being in demand as a male dance partner... and a friend that they knew, and knew I wasn't some snert simply attracted only to T-women or something. Anyway, the dressing isn't such a necessary thing; it's something fun I do. As I think I said before, I don't believe it's something I have to have my partner involved in. I've probably used this analogy before, but it's sorta' like bowling on Thursdays... I may like to do it, and I don't expect my partner to like bowling and do it w/me; not any more than she could expect me to like basket-weaving w/her friends on Thursdays. :) That said, though, I'm not simply looking for "tolerance." I want more than tolerance, I want at least the same level of acceptance of my dressing that I can give myself. In the past, I hadn't accepted my dressing or myself in general very well, so I certainly wasn't doing well in finding my partners to accept me. Now, I think, I'm more comfortable w/who I am, and accepting myself. I want a partner that is okay with who I am; all of who I am, including my trans-ness.
I don't think I've mentioned here before that I've also come to the resolution (realization) that I'm NOT TransSexual (TS). There is absolutley nothing wrong w/being TS, mind you; it's simply not my path. I like being a man, and having a male body. I happen to sometimes want to have a woman's body and look like a woman, in addition to simply being attracted to women and women's bodies, and if I could "morph" back and forth I would. However, since having a woman's body would be a one-way trip, that's not for me. I've joked w/friends that I'm a "woman choosing to be in a man's body" (vs. "trapped" in a man's body), and that's not exactly it. I have many things that make me male and a man, that has nothing to do with my body. I also happen to be a very atypical man, in good ways, and I'm proud of that; I happen to be the type of man that most women seem to say they're looking for. :)
Of course, you may ask that if I am the type of man most women are looking for, then why don't I have a partner yet? Well, I'm looking for the best partner for me (and vice-versa), and I also do struggle sometimes with being rejected for being a CD. I like myself enough now (and it's been a long road to get here ;-) that I'm comfortable waiting for a partner that fits well w/me, and also one that's okay w/my dressing and who I am as a whole. One where we fit well together. I may focus on the CD'ing here on this site (my girl-focused site ;-), and yet there certainly is much more to me and to what I want in a relationship. That said, I am pretty much the same person whether dressed or not, and I think this diary reflects more of me than the transgenderedness that is part of my life.
I'm happy to be off the anti-depressants. At the end, I think the idea of being on them was more important than actually taking them... having the security blanket there to even things out for me. However, I didn't need the drugs as much as I needed a method to cope w/my life and emotions. I needed to finish grieving over my relationships that had ended, and the rejection I felt because of that. I started the anti-depressants because I didn't have that coping mechanism, and didn't have that fundamental belief that I'm a good person. I believe I now have both, and that feels really good. :)
Whew! Marathon entry... thanks for sticking with me to here. I guess I need to write in here more often than every 6 months. ;-) Love! --Kim
I've been out a couple of times in the last month or so; a representative sample of what I'm looking like now when "en femme", and then a pic I found laying around, from some Halloween, may be found on the Miscellaneous Pictures page
Flying is a theme in my life; whether it's time, or me, flying seems to happen a lot. I'm continuing to travel a lot for work, and getting a little weary of it. Hopefully things will slow down soon for me, and I'm not holding my breath. Though I must admit it's been nice to see the Canadian side of Niagra Falls, the Kennedy 6th Floor Museum (Book Repository in Dallas, TX), Orlando Florida, and other spots on someone else's dime... and fun travelling to Thailand for vacation... (No, I didn't get anything changed while in Thailand; though the temptation was sometimes strong ;-).
I did let Kimberley play (cross-dress) in Orlando; I went to Universal Studios Islands of Adventure (and the October 31 Halloween party that they have at the Studios park too :). I had a man ask me to escort his little girl through the Spiderman ride; It made me nervous that he didn't "read" me and that he might later do so and get weird, but then it made me happy too that he trusted me and that he didn't read me later. I even danced at a "straight" club... no men asked me to dance, but one loser did sorta' come up and dance w/me-- why is it always the losers that have no fear, and the nice men are shy? I wouldn't have done anything but dance, as I have a partner/S.O. at the moment (and wouldn't risk a one-night stand; especially not while dressed, w/a straight man. Yeesh.) Anyway, I try to get some updates to this site now and then, but clearly it's a lower priority for me than, say, living or simply relaxing when I'm actually at home. :)
Please see my Diary for 2000 for more diary entries.
This page last updated on 29 October, 2001.
©1964-2001 Kim McNelis. All Rights Reserved (No images, text, etc. may be copied w/out Kim's consent. Thank you).