Kim's (Not-So-Secret) Diary for 2011


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Prologue

Welcome to my secret (okay, not-so-secret ;-) diary, or blog for 2011.

Diary Entries for 2011


December 22, 2011: Nevermind...

No, it's not a Nirvana reference. We're not telling my step-son; not for another 6 months or so. I'm not sure I'm happy about it, and we've waited this long; what's another 6 months. Besides, I did agree.... And I said what I meant, and meant what I said (an Elephant is faithful, 100% ;-).

I'm still only dressing (cross-dressing) about once per month on average. Maybe less...

I'm fat(-ish), not doing well during the holiday season. I'm currenty tired of my work, and a little tired of my life.

Merry effin Christmas. I'm not even Christian, BTW. I don't think I could be part of a religion that so vociferously denies other faiths, has done such harm (OK, and good) in the world [particularly the Catholic church], and only secondarily matches my personality and ethics. I think I'm more Buddhist than anything... or maybe I'm more nothing (no religion) than anything. I believe in the possibility of a God (or Gods), and I've probably waxed episodically and boringly on this before. The advantage of having a poor memory like mine, is that I get to write the same things over-and-over and think they're new. This is your advantage too, dear reader, as it means you don't have to slog through my blog to see what I've written before. Wait awhile, and it will come up again. ;-)

I hope you fell better than I do right now, and that your life is going well. After all, someone's has to be... [To keep myself in check and it all in perspective, I have it really, really, really well compared to much of the world's population... as long as I don't try to let my work know of my trans-ness. If I cross-dressed at work, I'm pretty sure I'd be out of a job. Even though laws sort of protect me, Oregon is an at-will state. They can fire me for no reason at all. They could also make me miserable enough to quit, if they were actually worried about looking like they fired me in discrimination over my gender identity. Anyway, back to having things better than many/most people in the world; it is of some comfort. It doesn't dismiss my struggles, but it does remind me to keep them in perspective. :)]

Peace (on Earth, goodwill towards all :), Kim (Kimberley A. 'McNelis')


May 15, 2011: Only 5 Months Since Last Time, and Telling

Welcome once again to the now-very-infrequent writings in my blog. It's been 'only' 5 months since I've last written in here, so that's half as long as you had to wait last time. Such a deal, huh? [But wait! There's more! If you read now... ;-)]

First of all, for the visually-inclined, here's what I looked like at the beginning of April, when I facilitated the local Gender Queery meeting at the Q Center:
Kim in April 2011 in Believe Shirt Pic1 Kim in April 2011 in Believe Shirt Pic2 Kim in April 2011 in Believe Shirt Pic3

Which, of course, leads me to what I've been doing (at least 'en femme'): Not a lot. I've been going out about once or twice a month, to the Gender Queery (GQ) and Trans*Fem meetings at the Q Center, when I'm actually in town. I've managed to miss a couple of meetings of each I think. Either 'cause I'm out of town for various reasons, or cannot dress because my step-son is over with us.

We have a plan to (finally!) tell my step-son about my dressing. As soon as school is over this year. My partner suggested that maybe it's soon time to do so. I've agreed with my partner that it has been for the best to not tell him until now. Between him not being ready for concepts of gender fluidity (particularly when he was 8 or so ;-), forming his own identity, the attitudes of his other family members, the fact that it could have been used against us in custody issues, etc. we simply haven't told him. It's a private matter; one which he didn't need to know in order to be my (our) step-son (son) and for us to love him; and hopefully vice-versa.

So why now? Well, basically, we think he's mature/old enough to know. His identity seems pretty set, he understands concepts of gender, and he's been showing a good amount of maturity lately (Maybe some struggles with that, but then we all do, don't we? ;-). It's also, honestly, an issue of me having the freedom to express myself (reasonably) in my own house. Time for me to be able to leave my house cross-dressed, and not have to sneak around him. Not have to wait until he goes to bed to come home. Perhaps most importantly, though, it's time for him to know me more deeply, and for me to be able to connect with him more personally because I'm not feeling like I'm hiding something from him or keeping something private that I'd rather not keep from him.

I think I've made clear the difference between a (shameful) secret and privacy before. I do believe that my dressing is not something to be ashamed of. It's OK that I have some things that are private; not everyone in my life needs to know everything about me. I do, however, want those I love to know about me in a personal way; I want to share what's important to me with them, and vice-versa. When I think they can handle the details of important things, and respect my privacy-- and more importantly, respect me-- then I will make fewer things private. Like my 'dressing'. I am looking forward to being able to tell my son about this aspect of me, and am certainly hoping that it goes well...

So, what about the other stuff in the last 5 months or so? Well the logistics of my life look much the same. I work my 45-plus hour weeks. I've gone on a vacation w/my sweetie, and have one coming up. We've been taking care of house maintenance; whether it's chores or bigger things. I'm staying involved in the GLBT (LGBT, BGLT, TBLG, GLBTQ, GLBTQQ,... ;-) community. I'm trying to nurture some of my friendships.

Most importantly, though, my partner and I are doing better. Much better, I think. We've been talking some things out. We've been working on getting out of the downward spin of our interactions. I have been working hard on improving my attitude, letting go of my frustrations. She's been doing the same, and has also been working on dealing w/her (until-recently-untreated) menopause symptoms.

A big part of the issue has been me, though. I got profoundly frustrated by a whole set of circumstances, and was also really (really) stressed at/about work and whether I'd be able to provide an income for our family. Since my income is the only one, and my partner was having a very hard time of finding work and/or making her business ideas go (who wouldn't in this economy?), it was a big source of stress. Then there was the decision to invest a big chunk of our savings in something decidely more risky than an FDIC-insured savings account. That caused (and, really, is causing) me some serious stress. It's looking like that investment will stabilize and start producing some decent returns here soon. Add in some family drama (sick relatives, not speaking to other family), me allowing my friendships to lapse or become distant (though, to be fair, my friends let things go too; and except for one or two friends, I often was the one making more of the effort).

Now, how I handle all this is up to me, and it was really hard to handle all these things when my marriage was steadily eroding. Yes, I have the priveledge of marriage, and am grateful for that. I know many in the BGLT community do not. [I think I've decided to alphabetize the letters; it's now BiSexual-Gay-Lesbian-Transgender :)] That being said, when your long-term relationship is impoloding (with some bouts of exploding), it sucks regardless of what you call it or the legal rights that come with it. Again, though, it's nice that the implosion/explosion cycles are getting (much) smaller, placing less stress on the marriage.

So... there you go. More than you asked for about what's going on in the last 5 months, and some of what's coming up in the next one or two. Aren't you glad you decided to wander by and read my blog? If nothing else, you now have a data point outside your own life. I sincerely hope yours has had less stress than mine, that it will continue to get even better like mine is, and that either way you enjoy this journey of life we are on.

Love,
Kim


January 03, 2011: Happy New Year! (and Ten Months; I'm over-due...)

Over 10 months since updating my site. Apparently I'm doubling the neglect of this site every year, so pretty soon it will only be updated right before I die... ;-)

Anyway, how do I sum up 10 months, and most of 2010? Hmmnn... first of all:

2010 SUCKED!

Okay, now that I have that out of my system... *Sigh* Don't get me totally wrong; there were some nice things about 2010. It's simply that, overall, it sucked. Mostly because my partner and I had (have?) hit what I hope is the low point of our entire marriage/relationship... I hope that we are on the mend. My heart aches. Intensely. My soul isn't doing much better.

I could fill you in on the things that were great (like a vacation with warm blue water, to celebrate my marriage, still having a job) or that totally sucked (pretty much everything else, and most intensely my marriage, my dad being very sick, hanging on to my job because I'm golden hand-cuffed to it, etc.) but you don't really care, do you?

Well, maybe you do because you've bothered to read this far, but I am pretty sure that my wife, me, and maybe a 1 or 2 other people in the world is all who actually read this (unless there's speed-readers that can read everything I've written in well under a minute). Don't believe me? Well, here's some statistics from 2010 (thank you, Google Analytics):

Visits to Kim McNelis' Website in 2010

 

Page

 

Page Views

Unique Views

Avg. Time on Page

Bounce Rate

% Exit

1.

Kimís Pictures

1,264

592

00:00:12

38.10%

7.04%

2.

Index (/)

1,132

725

00:00:34

23.29%

37.46%

3.

Out_n_About

471

209

00:00:37

40.62%

15.29%

4.

Wild Picís

353

216

00:00:11

0.00%

10.48%

5.

Links

297

191

00:01:20

37.60%

46.80%

6.

Wedding Picís

243

192

00:00:38

66.67%

9.88%

7.

Favorite Picís

207

133

00:00:12

0.00%

8.21%

8.

Miscellaneous Picís

195

96

00:00:18

0.00%

6.15%

9.

Halloween Picís

192

96

00:00:20

100.00%

6.77%

10.

Kimís Friends

179

154

00:00:47

66.67%

19.55%

11.

More about Kim

172

119

00:00:41

45.16%

23.84%

12.

Kimís Glamour Picís

158

122

00:00:11

0.00%

5.70%

13.

Kimís Diary/Blog

150

97

00:00:41

54.55%

16.67%

14.

Index.html (/) [Yes, again.]

89

69

00:00:27

46.15%

28.09%

15.

Kimís Thoughts on Gender

64

51

00:01:28

57.14%

46.88%

16.

Kimís Shoes

55

45

00:01:22

82.93%

74.55%

17.

Kimís Poetry

44

40

00:03:32

94.59%

86.36%

18.

Kimís 2009 Diary

38

31

00:00:27

50.00%

28.95%

19.

Kimís Thoughts on Sexuality

25

16

00:00:19

100.00%

4.00%

20.

Kimís 2008 Diary

17

16

00:00:48

100.00%

47.06%

So, students, what can we learn from the above empirical data?

  1. All of what Kim has put up here can be absorbed in an average of 1 minute and 43 seconds... [Wait, maybe that's not it...]
  2. On average, people visit 4-5 pages [We're getting closer...]
  3. The overwhelming interest is in pictures (how I look) vs. who I am or what I say [Aha! That's it! :)]
  4. Almost everyone is a new visitor [or they have privacy that deletes tracking cookies or something so Google thinks they're new].
  5. If you're actually reading this, you're more unique than most; you're not in the profile of the top 10 most frequently visited pages (visitors to this site). Thank you! :)

Okay, now that I'm done satisfying the geeky side of me, where was I? Oh yes... 2010 Sucked! At this risk of posting something that is much more scatalogical than I usually do, I think to understand some of the depth of how 2010 sucked, you may want to read the following piece (though maybe only if you are not offended by frequent use of the F-word): Dodai Stewart's Rant on 2010 (Jezebel.com)

There. Does that help you understand how I feel at the moment? :-}

So, even though this post may seem short to you, I've spent a decent amount of time thinking about it, finding stat's, figuring out how to post it all, etc. It's hard when one builds a site by hand in HTML. I know there's a better way. I'm an old dog, and I haven't learned the new tricks yet. Anyway...

I hope your 2011 is great, and that mine is significantly better than my 2010 was.

Love,
Kim



More Diary Left...

Please see my Diary for 2010 for more diary entries.


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